


Ivitations and Shaky Breaths

by Avangee



Category: Panic! at the Disco, Young Veins
Genre: Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Its just angst and i am sorry, M/M, Ryden, Smoking, last goodbyes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 18:34:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11995587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avangee/pseuds/Avangee
Summary: "Ry?"It was like he had been stabbed, a sharp pain in his chest. Ryan sucked in a breath and tried to will away the start of his tears. Brendon said his name, god, he, remembered his voice. Ryan thought of the nights where he couldn't sleep because he was thinking of this, talking to Brendon again. All those scenarios had been way off, Brendon was getting married and it wasn't like he was going to leave his wife and run off with Ryan. Fuck."So, uh getting married, huh?" He was fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, it was awful. Hearing Brendon's voice, knowing he was in love with someone else.





	Ivitations and Shaky Breaths

**Author's Note:**

> Hey I did an audio book like Th ing for this on soundcloud
> 
> Listen to Invitations and Shaky Breaths by Otto Insurance  
> https://soundcloud.com/otto-insurance/invitations-and-shaky-breaths

An envelope, that's all it was. Just a fucking piece of paper, but Ryan knew that fucking handwriting. He had spent probably a quarter of his life look at the way he curved the 'r' and how he used to put a heart of Ryan's name even if there isn't any dots in it. There aren't any hearts now, no those got broken the day Ryan left. He doesn't talk to Ryan anymore, not in months, so why the fuck has he got a letter from him?

"Fuck," Ryan whispered to himself as he rip open the seal, there was an actual seal on it. It was just like him to do that. 

"You are invited to the wedding of Sarah Orzechowski and Brendon Urie on April-" 

Ryan threw the paper across the room, away from him, before he could read anymore, he's getting married? He knew Brendon was dating Sarah, it was the last thing Spencer told him before they stopped talking, months after. She seemed nice but Brendon had always said he was never going to settle down. Maybe that was just he was never going to settle down with Ryan. Fuck. Brendon' s really doing it, he's in love and he's getting married to a woman. 

"Fuck!" He yelled, making his dog jump. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to will away the tears he knew were coming. He should be over it. It had been four years for fucks sake. 

Ryan went through his phone contacts trying to find someone to help take his mind off it. He shouldn't be crying over Brendon, that was supposed to be over. There was no one. No one he could talk to this about, fuck. He couldn't just tell one of his friends his entire relationship with his ex-bandmate. 

He had no one. Ryan Ross was alone, again. Fucking again, and it was Brendon' s fault. Why does he always leave Ryan all alone, it's like the split all over again. When he was crying for months with no one to talk about it. 

He needs to talk to someone about this, he cant just keep crying over Brendon fucking Urie forever. Ryan needs to do something about it. He wants to dial a number but he doesn't have anyone, he can't call anyone else, god he just wants to hear his voice again. Ryan just wants to hear Brendon say his name again, Jesus why did he do this? 

"Hello?" Brendon didnt have his number saved, why would he? They didnt talk. 

"Hey uh, yeah hey," Ryan replied, a lump forming in his throat and his stomach twisting. This was a bad idea, fuck he shouldn't have done it. 

"Ry?" 

It was like he had been stabbed, a sharp pain in his chest. Ryan sucked in a breath and tried to will away the start of his tears. Brendon said his name, god, he, remembered his voice. Ryan thought of the nights where he couldn't sleep because he was thinking of this, talking to Brendon again. All those scenarios had been way off, Brendon was getting married and it wasn't like he was going to leave his wife and run off with Ryan. Fuck. 

"So, uh getting married, huh?" He was fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, it was awful. Hearing Brendon's voice, knowing he was in love with someone else. 

"I didn't- I mean I knew. I'm sorry, Ryan." 

"Why did you invite me?" Ryan's voice was shaky, anyone could probably tell he wasn't anywhere near fine. He had this mask on before, denying any feelings he still had and convincing himself he was okay. Ryan really wasn't. 

"She, uh, Sarah wanted to invite all my old friends. I di- she doesn't. No one knows about what happened. I can- I'm sorry," Brendon was stumbling over his words, it was different. When Ryan had last heard that, he was happy, he wasn't isolated in his fucking house away from everyone. He wanted to be happy again, but he can't. Brendon was his happiness. Now he's getting married, now he can't- he won't, he wouldn't even go to meet Ryan anywhere. 

"God, I fucking miss you. You know that? I fucking think of you everyday, your lips, your smile, your fucking eyes. I just- I didn't think that you love someone else. I don't. I know- I just. It hurts. And I keep going back to that- to the night at myrtle beach. We said, we said that we wouldn't just be - that we would be more than friends. I can't stop fucking letting you ruin my life, Brendon. You just - You wreck me." Ryan was crying, shaky breathes, small pained noises, everything. The amount of times he's cried about Brendon Urie are endless, but this seems final. Fuck, he didn't want to let go of the little part of him that still has hope. 

"Ryan," Brendon said softly, his voice careful like he could speak in the wrong way and Ryan would explode, "You left, you didn't- I didn't, we weren't. You just left, I wanted you to come back. To- and i just kept thinking of you. It wasn't -it isn't- healthy. I'm slo- sorry. Jesus, I still lov-"

He cut himself off, but Ryan knew what he was going to say. Brendon still loves him, he stifled a sob, letting it shake through his chest and he could feel the hot tears moving down his face, "Fuck. Fuck! You could've come to any show, could have fucking called me. You- anything. You weren't exactly fucking friendly the last time we spoke. I wasn't- You said, you said that you. That I was barely anything to you anymore, you didn't ever want to see me again." 

Brendon was quiet on the other line for a long while, Ryan could hear him breathing and he knew that Brendon was crying too. He must have been. 

"I wrote about you. You were so- you were on my mind all the time. And I- I love you. I'm always going to love you, Ry. But I'm not going to stop everything for you. I- I'm sorry." 

Ryan wanted to say so much more, he wanted to put every thought he'd had into words but he couldn't. He couldn't say anything. Anything but, "Please, just please." 

Brendon only replied with a shaky, " I'm sorry." 

Then he hung up, Ryan waited on the line, not even thinking about how much he couldn't breathe. When the silence finally settled in, he couldn't stand it. He let the phone fall onto the floor with a thud, probably breaking but Ryan couldn't bring himself to care. The invitation was still on the floor, an taunting white and gold torturing Ryan. 

Ryan hasn't realised he had left his house until someone spilled a drink on him, he was in a crowded bar where no one knew him. It was a simple thing, something he wouldn't have normally cared about, but the liquor on his shirt bothered him for some reason. 

"Shit, sorry man." 

Ryan didn't even let the man have any warning, he just punched him.

"Hey, what the fuck is your problem?" 

Everything. Brendon. Nothing. Ryan said something bitchy, he was so fucking out of it, so numb. The man, who was probably a nice guy, lunged at him, throwing him to the ground and punching his stomach. It was great. The man didn't stop hitting and kicking him until the bouncers threw them both out. Ryan ran out first, turning a corner into a convienence store. He didn't usually smoke, it gave him a headache, but the wall of ciggarette brands behind the cashier looked really appealing. 

"Pack of Camels and this uh lighter," he said, Ryan could taste the blood on his lips when he spoke, he tossed the shitty BIC lighter on the counter. The sudden urge to burn up his lungs was insatiable. He wanted to feel himself inhaling the poison. Fuck. 

He paid for the cigarettes and sat down on the curb outside the store, he felt his phone in his back pocket without knowing when it got there. The cigarette felt foreign on his lips, but the smoke warmed his insides just enough to make it feel fine. Ryan had gone through half the pack before he felt the pain settle in from the bar. His ribs ached, his face stung and he needed something more than a nicotine buzz. Ryan flicked the butt of the cigarette onto the pavement and stood to go back into the store. The cold air of the building soothing his throat, he headed straight to the back and got a bottle of something, not caring what it was if it got him drunk. He set it on the counter and the same employee gave him a look of pity and maybe sympathy. 

"And another pack of camels, " he added as an afterthought to the silence. 

He paid and took the bottle and cigs back out to the curb. Ryan switched between drinking, smoking and dialing Brendon's number without calling. He was pathetic, all bloodied up and self loathing. There was a crack in the screen, that he hadn't noticed before and he laughed. He kept laughing, maybe it was the alcohol but Ryan found it absolutely hilarious how fucking in love he still was with Brendon that he got himself drunk and beat up. He really was pathetic. 

"Ryan, I-" Brendon began when Ryan finally called him. 

"Hey, I really do love you, Bren. And you're my moon. But really, I love you so much. It's been years and- years and I still you." 

"You're my sun, Ry." 

"Goodbye," Ryan said, he felt the overwhelming finality of his words. Tears fell from his eyes silently. 

"Goodbye, Ryan Ross."

**Author's Note:**

> This is all @godhateskeely's fault on tumblr. I was crying when i wrote this.


End file.
